[I've been prodded to start writing again by someone I respect and admire, so...]
I'm a funny person when it comes to "school." My report cards growing up were always of the "Jim could do so much better if he just applied himself" variety. I dropped out of high school, went back, missed graduating by three hours (out of 150) and took a GED. After some (mis)adventures, when I went to college for "real" I was 22, married with child, working full-time, and I didn't mess around. There are only two B's in all my college transcripts (neither of them in my major).
But through the various turns of my life I've never gotten more than an associate's degree. I have more than enough hours to have a bachelor's (about 140), but they are spread across three universities, and at some point I was so far along in my career and experience level that I was intimidating my professors (really). It just got where it wasn't worth going somewhere that required yet another 30 hours "in residence" (whatever the hell that means any more) just to finalize a piece of paper. I don't say any of that to boast, it's just background.
For years I've said if I ever went back to school it would be "for me," meaning it wouldn't be to finalize a degree for my career. When I started at MSR a couple of years ago I could have taken many of the courses for college credit, but didn't - I just wanted the certificate. And even that is not for the piece of paper as much as just a sort of personal milestone, to prove I finished it. For a while they weren't giving out grades and that suited me just fine. I am not competitive about most things and in general I hate competitiveness and what it does to me. But I am competitive about intellectual things - I think it's a bit of "impostor's syndrome" (see "high school dropout," above).
So no grades meant I didn't have to care about how I was doing. I could learn, participate and grow without having to "prove" myself, and that fit what I felt I was being called to do by being in the program. About a year ago they switched back to grading. I understand why they did but I have been trying to ignore the whole thing since, because I don't want to let that competitive monster back out. Especially not in a school of religion - it just seems, um, ironic, to be competitive about that.
Of course, it's easy to not feel competitive when you're still getting A's. But in my last class I received a B. I have to admit it brought a lot of the feelings back to the surface around why I didn't mind not being graded. A B! My first reaction was anger. I had a lot of reasons why I felt the grade was "unfair." But it doesn't matter. It is just my intellectual competitiveness rearing its ugly (ugly) head. Now I am trying to find a way to go back to not caring. I almost want to ask the school, "I know you are grading us, I understand why, that's fine - can you just not tell me what my grades are? Thanks."
