Making the grade
[I've been prodded to start writing again by someone I respect and admire, so...]
I'm a funny person when it comes to "school." My report cards growing up were always of the "Jim could do so much better if he just applied himself" variety. I dropped out of high school, went back, missed graduating by three hours (out of 150) and took a GED. After some (mis)adventures, when I went to college for "real" I was 22, married with child, working full-time, and I didn't mess around. There are only two B's in all my college transcripts (neither of them in my major).
But through the various turns of my life I've never gotten more than an associate's degree. I have more than enough hours to have a bachelor's (about 140), but they are spread across three universities, and at some point I was so far along in my career and experience level that I was intimidating my professors (really). It just got where it wasn't worth going somewhere that required yet another 30 hours "in residence" (whatever the hell that means any more) just to finalize a piece of paper. I don't say any of that to boast, it's just background.
For years I've said if I ever went back to school it would be "for me," meaning it wouldn't be to finalize a degree for my career. When I started at MSR a couple of years ago I could have taken many of the courses for college credit, but didn't - I just wanted the certificate. And even that is not for the piece of paper as much as just a sort of personal milestone, to prove I finished it. For a while they weren't giving out grades and that suited me just fine. I am not competitive about most things and in general I hate competitiveness and what it does to me. But I am competitive about intellectual things - I think it's a bit of "impostor's syndrome" (see "high school dropout," above).
So no grades meant I didn't have to care about how I was doing. I could learn, participate and grow without having to "prove" myself, and that fit what I felt I was being called to do by being in the program. About a year ago they switched back to grading. I understand why they did but I have been trying to ignore the whole thing since, because I don't want to let that competitive monster back out. Especially not in a school of religion - it just seems, um, ironic, to be competitive about that.
Of course, it's easy to not feel competitive when you're still getting A's. But in my last class I received a B. I have to admit it brought a lot of the feelings back to the surface around why I didn't mind not being graded. A B! My first reaction was anger. I had a lot of reasons why I felt the grade was "unfair." But it doesn't matter. It is just my intellectual competitiveness rearing its ugly (ugly) head. Now I am trying to find a way to go back to not caring. I almost want to ask the school, "I know you are grading us, I understand why, that's fine - can you just not tell me what my grades are? Thanks."
6 comments:
I hear you. Since being back at school, I have 70 some credits of straight As. While I'm proud of what I have accomplished (and it will help me be able to reach my goal by aiding me in scholarships) it also sets me up for inevitable feelings of failure the first time I get less than an A in a class. And it DOES breed competition, no matter how we try to resist.
Erin,
Yup.
And good job! You are in a different place in your life and in school for different reasons, so those straight A's are excellent. All your blogging friends knew you could do it. :)
jim, good to see you back!
welcome back!
i have such mixed feeling about grades. just finished grading my castle courses--always makes me feel--not guilty, but uncomfortable. [giving exams does make me feel guilty. i start with a brief lecture about 'it's only a test, it's not your life.etc' i bring chunks of rose quartz and place them in sight of all the kids and tell them rq is the soothing stone...if you get too stressed, just stop the test a moment, deep breathe, and look at the stone. one kid looked so scared and upset during the test i took off my rose quartz ring and gave it to her for the rest of the test. she said later it helped....still it's a final, with grades, that will show up in records etc....i've never managed to intellectually come up with reasonable sub. for exams, so it remains fraught...
Karen,
I like that you even care enough to try to find that balance, and try to help your students find it, too.
And I am sure if I were pursuing my course of studies to "prove something" to the work world or "do something with my life," I'd be stressed out about the grades, too. But now I want to focus on this for the right reasons, none of which involve grades. In fact, one of the best parts of the current course of study are the people I've met, especially those in roughly the same place in the program at the same time as I. My "cohort." The conversations and relationships being built with them make the whole thing so much more deep and meaningful than just the pure "learning."
Thanks for the comment (and thanks for the nudge! :)
what courses are you taking, or subjects studying?
Karen,
I'm in the Certificate of Pastoral Ministry program at the Missouri School of Religion (missourischoolofreligion.org). I am planning on graduating in December if I can stay on track.
Post a Comment