Standin' 'round talkin' 'bout nuthin'
It is hard for me to make small talk with most other men. It's actually been a lifelong issue with me, but I've been noticing it lately because I'm thinking hard about the whole fellowship thing and obviously this has an impact on that. Even among people I love if the conversation goes into certain areas I just clam up because I have nothing to say and I don't want to derail it for everyone else. It's easy enough to see why small talk is hard for me, especially here in small-town mid-Missouri:
Lots of "I don'ts" in that list, which is really egotistical and negative, I know. Sorry about that. But if I am going to figure out what is hanging me up around fellowship, then I have to look at myself honestly.
So...once all of the above is ruled out, in most groupings of men I find myself among I end up having absolutely nothing to contribute to the conversation. So I just stay quiet. It's mostly OK - I've been an "outsider" all my life. But it does put a crimp on that fellowship thing.
- I don't like sports and don't follow them, at all.
- I don't watch TV.
- I don't watch most movies and certainly not current movies (the last two "new" movies I watched on DVD were Capote and Prairie Home Companion - both good but not quite "guy talk" candidates).
- I don't hunt or fish. There's nothing wrong with either - I'm a carnivore, I know where meat comes from. I'll eat game meat with gusto if offered it. I am just not into killing the animal myself to get it. I am not into growing my own wheat for my bread, either.
- Did I mention I don't like sports and don't watch TV?
- I don't hold mainstream political or religious thoughts (and it's not polite nor safe to talk about religion or politics anyway).
- I am not handy and rarely make things with tools (I wish I did more, though - add woodworking to my list of things I'd like to learn before I die (but probably won't)).
- I like to cook and am the main cook for the household.
- I don't read (most) fiction.
- I don't like nor play golf. In fact, I don't play any sport, so there goes bonding in a softball team. The outcome of being bad at athletics and taunted about it growing up, I'm sure.
- I don't like poker (or gambling in general) and detest hearing about it ("Last night I had this hand with two kings and then the other guy had...")
- I no longer enjoy books or movies about war (except Catch-22, of course).
- I don't like beer - I prefer to ingest other forms of yeast excrement instead.
- I am not into cars (or boats, jet skis, planes, snowmobiles or even riding lawnmowers). My dad was a mechanic while I was growing up and he didn't want me to follow in his footsteps so he successfully kept me from learning much about engines.
- That non-sports thing.
Lots of "I don'ts" in that list, which is really egotistical and negative, I know. Sorry about that. But if I am going to figure out what is hanging me up around fellowship, then I have to look at myself honestly.
So...once all of the above is ruled out, in most groupings of men I find myself among I end up having absolutely nothing to contribute to the conversation. So I just stay quiet. It's mostly OK - I've been an "outsider" all my life. But it does put a crimp on that fellowship thing.
6 comments:
Yep. A handful of the same list my way as well. I still go to some guy stuff, like a mens' football/bible study group even if I really don't care for the football stuff.
I guess though that maybe this is because I really don't mind watching sports but only really do this in the company of others that enjoy it. Conversation involving me really doesn't go much into sports - but I usually am able to ramble it somewhere else that we both connect on. Good friend of mine for college years is *quite* the sports fanatic and we hung out a *lot* - and a good chunk involved watching sports. Not my thing but it worked. My father-in-law is the same way - always wants to watch sports when he's visiting - and I don't mind much...
Jim,
As a more shy person, I have found that the key to conversation is a sincere interest in what others have to contribute. That is my contribution, and enough feedback or questions to keep the conversation rolling.
I left out where I was going with it though - I usually interject into the conversation in *some* way something that interests me. I'd say somewhere around 50% of the time someone else feels it....
I agree that without some real conversation, it's not really much of fellowship. The guy in our group? We talked about faith and church and interests with regards to ministry and missionary work, books, etc.
I tend to find those that I *do* connect with and try to strengthen that. But only in talking for awhile (including letting them take the conversation wherever and trying to follow along), do I sometimes find a connection that I *also* want to converse about...
Little bit of give and take I figure.
Chris and Grace,
I understand and as a Dale Carnegie graduate and four-time graduate assistant I can do the one-on-one "So tell me about your interests" kind of small talk. What I was more talking about was when there's a group (since fellowship often seems to infer a group - at least it does in the vocabulary of many Christians) and the conversation goes where it is going to go, then most of the time I simply have nothing to contribute. And I don't want to try and steer it somewhere just so I can talk - that seems rather egotistical and self-centered.
I'm with you on this, Jim. Never been good at small talk. My list is very similar to yours, though not identical. I like a couple of sports, but don't follow them much any more, until the playoffs. But I definitely get what you're saying.
One additional thing I'm not really interested in talking about much is music, which is a huge deal here in Nashville. Most everyone I know is somehow in the business or closely related to it. Even my daughter is in college working on a commercial entertainment degree. I can play several instruments, but just have no passion for music any more -- not sure why.
I'm starting to be concerned that I'm pretty much boring. Maybe that's why I can't think of anything to write in my blog. ;-)
CH,
Not interested in talking about MUSIC? That's it - get off my blog! (just kidding! :o). Seriously, that is something I LOVE to talk about. All genres (except mainstream contemporary Country, but I like a lot of stuff that orbits C&W). Whatever - we're all different.
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