Today Dan posted about negativity, and said,
I am too easily deflated, too sensitive to defeat and criticism, and too de-motivated by setbacks. It's no one else's responsibility, and it is entirely my fault. I don't say that out of pity or a false sense of humility... I say it as a confession of sin. It's true. I am the most negative person I know, and I hate it. I hate it! I don't want to be this way.
That entirely describes me, too, and much of the underpinnings to my struggle with "leadership" and why I don't want to be called a "leader". And to echo Dan, I hate it! But here's the scary part - Dan ends with a prayer for renewal and change in his heart. I want that, too. But I don't want it so I can then become a leader. Dan feels called to be such, or he wouldn't be a pastor. I do not. Basically, when it comes down to it I am a follower. And while God makes all things possible I would be suspect of Him changing the very nature of who I am, my basic personality. Yes, we are supposed to die and be reborn in Christ but does that mean we stop being ourselves?
I think a lot of people could chime in and say, "Yes, that's exactly what it means!", in which case I want to ask, "Then why did God make me who I am in the first place and why does He love me now, if all He wants out of me is someone different?" Combined with a sense of real disbelief that something as fundamental as personality is changeable.
I am really struggling with this, people, so no pat answers, por favor. However, comments are appreciated.
[c.f., earlier rants on same topic.]